Love exists, but with an absence of eternity. At the first moment of a lover’s encounter, there’s an affirmation of love. Psychologically. Lunacy. Emptiness. Panic. -- The delusion that the moment will last forever. I’m seized by desire. I hide behind my back – and postpone all answers.

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be the light-

I’m nothing, but a burden…

Since my boyfriend never replied back to my text last night, I texted him again a few hours ago saying, “Thanks for never responding to me last night…”. Later, he replied back saying he had a horrible day and came home to see that text.

I honestly felt extremely terrible about my text… And when I called him, he sounded angry and pissed. Not much so at me, but at what has happened to him today. I apologized for my bitter text, and wanted to see if I could do anything to help him. He replied with “don’t worry about me” and such. But of course, I worry so fucking much about him…. Like it sucks for me to not being able to do anything that would make him feel better. 

And that’s what hit me - I feel like a terrible girlfriend. I feel like I bother him with useless things and overbearing him with my emotional ways. I feel like push trivial things about my life when he has got his own life to worry about. I feel like I’m not the mature girlfriend that can take care of herself and not have to depend my life on him. Whenever I’m not at school, my life is always about K-Pop and being on tumblr, twitter, and youtube. That’s why I feel like a complete burden to him…

And another thing that makes me feel even more terrible - I can’t do anything to make him feel better or anything. I think I’m pretty good at consoling people, but I feel like with him, I don’t have the right words to say. I feel completely useless here… And also, I feel like I need him more than he needs me - which I find completely unfair, especially for him. Here I am, always calling or texting him to hear from him, and then I get mad if he doesn’t pick up or if we haven’t spoken for a day. Like I know how happy he makes me, but what do I do that makes him happy? What do I offer to make his life less boring or stressful? What can I help to improve his life? What do I do to make him smile or even love me, for that matter of fact? 

And I’m here… being so selfish… 

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